Monday, October 08, 2007

Radio Silence (or Internet Silence, I Guess)

After my last post, I had a lot of discussions with my boyfriend. And I've been AWOL from posting here — even from reading other fatosphere blogs — because I feel like the only acceptable reaction I could have had to him asking me (re: the future) "Are you going to get bigger?" would have been to triumphantly return and proclaim that, for my own good AND the good of fat activists everywhere, I dumped his ass!!!

But I didn't.

And, see, while I appreciate all the thoughtful comments on my last post — MORE than any of you will EVER know — I still feel like any attempts I make to explain our relationship, the length, depth, and breadth of it, all the nooks and crannies of it, will just be seen as excuses. That, because of one question, one literally unprecedented hurtful action, I should have kicked him to the curb and strode away powerfully in my Right Fit jeans. That there could be NO EXCUSE for staying with a boyfriend who asked such a question of me (even though it was, as I said, literally the first hurtful thing he had done in the course of our relationship).

Anything I say right now sounds like an excuse, and in the face of the comments urging me to ditch him and look for someone who is truly accepting, I don't think there IS any way to explain my decision to stay together, and have it not sound like a pathetic excuse. It's NOT a pathetic excuse, and it certainly wasn't a decision I made without a lot of thought.

Don't get me wrong — his question left me upset, angry, pissed, emotionally bruised, stunned, bewildered — you pick the adjective. I didn't take his question lightly (obviously, if you read my previous post). I didn't take his attitude behind it lightly. We talked. A hell of a lot. And then more. And still more.

Ultimately, we are who we are, he and I. Either you believe me or you don't when I say that this one incident — severe though it was, and not without repercussions — isn't indicative of our relationship. How we dealt with it, however, IS.


vesta44 said...

Ya know, you know him better than anyone else. If you talked it over, and talked it over some more, and YOU are ok with the results of those conversations, then it's not up to anyone else to say you did the right thing or didn't do the right thing. You are the one who will live the results, none of us will. If you are happy, good for you, I say.
I don't need to know details, those aren't any of my business, but I'm glad you guys talked and talked, and I hope you have lots and lots of happiness, you deserve it.

goodwithcheese said...

Glad you're back! You and your fella have to do what works for your relationship. Just know that the comments were less about him, and more about our respect and support of *you*. We think you rock. I'm sure he also thinks you rock. And because I'm so certain you rock, I know you're looking out for yourself, so no second-guessing about your decision. Again, super happy to see you back and wishing you both the best.

Lindsay said...

Actually, you're dead on about something i've always felt about relationships: it's not the stupid shit you DO that defines the relationship, but the things you do (or don't do) to resolve the issues that come from the stupid shit.

I hope that makes sense outside of my head.

Missicat said...

Hey, you are doing the right thing - dealing with it!!

Nora said...

Aw, Teppy. I felt your horror and shame when I read your previous entry. Oof. I'm glad you guys are working through it, though. As others have said, it's what happens after a hurtful incident that defines the relationship, really.

Also, this blog is awesome, and I'm happy to have found it...

Kimberly said...

I've been in situations with my husband when things were going on that were downright deal breakers for me. As in, if the situation didn't change I couldn't stay with him, period. And you know what? The situation changed, we worked through it, we compromised and things got better. That's how relationships work.

I was one of those people thinking, "OMG! DUMP HIM!" because I couldn't imagine living always wondering if I were too fat or not good enough for my boyfriend/husband. But those deal breaker situations I mentioned above were all me not being able to imagine living with them too. And we worked it out and I was able to move on and things are awesome. When we love people, we give them the benefit of the doubt and that's one of the big joys of being in a relationship that works.

So what I'm saying is that I'm really glad you were able to work this out with him and that you have found a way to get past it and be happy. That is so awesome. I hope you won't worry about what people who don't know you or your boyfriend make you feel bad about your decision!

zombie z said...

Honestly, I don't know how to deal with this either. I feel the same way, that the immediate "right" response would be to tell him to fuck off... But... when I tried to broach the subject of my foray into FA and how I felt both his and my obsessions with food, fat, and "healthy eating" were really NOT healthy and NOT helping anyone, and here's a bunch of stuff I'd like you to read about dieting, "OBESITY CRISIS BOOGA BOOGA," etc... His response was, "Do you expect me to give you permission to get fat?"

People can be so thickheaded, can't they?

So many things about our relationship are so great that I feel like I should give him time to gain the necessary knowledge to reverse his fatphobia based on social lies.

Here's to hoping our boys get smarter.

rationalpsychic said...

I read that comment from your boyfriend as his fear that he was afraid to love someone others might not view as beautiful. In other words, will society view him as a chump for being in love with someone plump and lovely when all society sees is the "plump"? I'd encourage him to realize that he likes your body type very much or he wouldn't be with you now.

Anonymous said...

I can relate to this in a way because once my husband pushed me out of the way in anger and I fell. The resultant bruise made people tell me I should dump his ass as quick as look at you because he was obviously physically abusive yada yada. But they didn't know him like I do, they don't know me like I know me, they don't know what happened prior to him pushing me etc etc. There was a lot more to it than they could ever and would ever know. I stayed with my husband and it has been over ten years since then and he has never ever done anything like that ever again. Not even close. And while it was hurtful and it made me seriously reassess our relationship, ultimately it was something that brought us closer together and helped us know one another better.