Monday, October 08, 2007

Radio Silence (or Internet Silence, I Guess)

After my last post, I had a lot of discussions with my boyfriend. And I've been AWOL from posting here — even from reading other fatosphere blogs — because I feel like the only acceptable reaction I could have had to him asking me (re: the future) "Are you going to get bigger?" would have been to triumphantly return and proclaim that, for my own good AND the good of fat activists everywhere, I dumped his ass!!!

But I didn't.

And, see, while I appreciate all the thoughtful comments on my last post — MORE than any of you will EVER know — I still feel like any attempts I make to explain our relationship, the length, depth, and breadth of it, all the nooks and crannies of it, will just be seen as excuses. That, because of one question, one literally unprecedented hurtful action, I should have kicked him to the curb and strode away powerfully in my Right Fit jeans. That there could be NO EXCUSE for staying with a boyfriend who asked such a question of me (even though it was, as I said, literally the first hurtful thing he had done in the course of our relationship).

Anything I say right now sounds like an excuse, and in the face of the comments urging me to ditch him and look for someone who is truly accepting, I don't think there IS any way to explain my decision to stay together, and have it not sound like a pathetic excuse. It's NOT a pathetic excuse, and it certainly wasn't a decision I made without a lot of thought.

Don't get me wrong — his question left me upset, angry, pissed, emotionally bruised, stunned, bewildered — you pick the adjective. I didn't take his question lightly (obviously, if you read my previous post). I didn't take his attitude behind it lightly. We talked. A hell of a lot. And then more. And still more.

Ultimately, we are who we are, he and I. Either you believe me or you don't when I say that this one incident — severe though it was, and not without repercussions — isn't indicative of our relationship. How we dealt with it, however, IS.